our hound, the hussy

On September 29th I took Penny to the vet for the first time. This is not a case of puppy neglect - let me explain...When we got Penny back in February, via an extremely shady deal that took place in the dark outside of Buckley Airforce Base, her previous owners straight up skipped town before sending us her vet records. In an effort not to over-vaccinate, the vet said we should wait until our girl was a year and a half, and then bring her in for her next round of shots. 

September 15th marked the 18 month mark, and Penny went to the vet. Last week, however, poor poor Pens was not feeling well. All week she was moping around and whimpering. She wouldn't get up from bed in the morning, and she kept trying to fake pee when I'd take her outside. And, grossest of all, her... um... vajay... seemed to be swollen and leaking goo. I figured she'd picked up some fatal disease at the vet, and every day I'd come home from work expecting to find a dead dog.

On Thursday I called the vet and explained her symptoms. The vet said it was best to bring her in. I, of course, take this doubly as a sign that the dog was dying.

I couldn't get her an appointment before Saturday, and even worse, I had to work a wedding that day all day. So, I relentlessly pestered and poked Jim until he promised me he'd take her in to see the vet first thing that morning. 

When I woke up Saturday, I was pretty sure she was on the verge of death, so I snapped a picture. This is what she looked like...

Yes, she is laying on my two favorite pillows and my Anthropologie comforter...

However, the following conversation took place via text messaging on Saturday morning during the course of the wedding ceremony in Colorado Springs...

Me (10:01 a.m.): Please tell me you are up and at the vet. Is Penny ok?
Jim (10:06 a.m.): I am. PetSmart is the worst place to take a dog.
Jim (10:22 a.m.): Lesbian vets might be my favorite. "Yeah, my name is TJ and I just like cats. Whats up?"
Jim (10:31 a.m.): Doc will see her soon. It sounds like nothing... 
Jim (10:37 a.m.): Fucking heat cycle. Lame. Might have a bladder infection. Lame. Lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame lame.
Me (10:37 a.m.): Gross. And, no way. Show the doctor her swollen coochie. Call it a vulva.
Jim (10:38 a.m.): It's normal. Dog just wants some sex.
Me (10:39 a.m.): Grooooooooooosssssssss
Jim (10:40 a.m.): Not cheap to tell you your dog is a horny slut. She better have something wrong.
Me (10:41 a.m.): How much?
Jim (11:12 a.m.): Enough. Still here. I want imos so bad.
Me (11: 22 a.m.): A fly just died on me in church. On a scale of one to ten how screwed am I?
Jim (11:23 a.m.): Zero. Flies are terrible.

And that's the story of the first time we found out Penny is in heat... and how I got Jim to say "vulva" to a stranger.